Feeling Guilty, Losing Quickly

by | Jun 07, 2018

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I must be faking this. If something is wrong, if I have some sort of illness, how can I go a few days at a time feeling relatively fine? But then again, what does “fine” or “normal” feel like anymore? I honestly have no idea. 

These periods of time where I would feel fine used to last a week or two. I would start to believe everything was in my head. I must be normal, then. Right?

In the midst of one of these normal spells, I woke up strong enough to go for a run. I ended up jogging at a slow pace for about a mile, maybe a mile and a half. Instead of coming home celebrating a victory, I came home and sobbed. 

What is wrong with me?

How can I be fine one day and barely make it through a day without a nap the next? Is this something I just need to push through and solve on my own? Have I been making this whole thing a huge deal when it’s, literally, nothing? 

I was soon reminded by my sweet husband that something is wrong and we will pursue it.

These periods of feeling fine have become shorter and shorter and “fine” has become a euphemism for, “Well, I don’t have chest pain and I’m not fighting the need to lay down and I can breathe pretty well right now.”

Since when did that become fine for me?

If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I want to feel fine all of the sudden. If I felt fine, I’d be left wondering what was wrong for the past year. Did I waste my time and money? Was I faking it? Yes, I want healing, ultimately, but I want answers first. And I’m not sure how to deal with that in learning how to pray in this season. 

More honesty? I hate being seen as weak or dramatic. I don’t know where those fears come from, but having an invisible, unknown, and inconsistent illness has caused me to realize those fears. If I wake up feeling ok, I start to worry I’m being dramatic about it and I don’t actually have an “illness.” If I’m not doing well and give in to rest and inactivity, I worry I’m just weak and need to suck it up and get over it.

Do I need to suck it up and not let it affect my life? Am I being weak and dramatic? Have I made all of the right medical decisions? Have I seen the right people? Have I communicated my symptoms affectively? Am I handling this like I should be handling it? Are the doctors missing something obvious? Am I ever going to get answers? 

These are the questions I wrestle with every day.

I’ve been writing this post over the past week and it has been so difficult to finish. I started it when I went through a few days feeling ok and I wanted to communicate how difficult it is when I feel ok. 

Shouldn’t I be celebrating when I feel ok? Shouldn’t I be taking advantage of these days? Why do I feel guilty for feeling ok?

I feel guilty because all of these people are praying for me and asking how I’m doing and I’m continuing on with tests and doctors and all of the sudden I feel ok for a day? So I must be over-dramaticizing all of this.

But recently, I fell into a period of some really tough days. The time I got out of bed became later and later and the ache and fatigue became worse than before.

Now I feel weak. I feel dramatic. I feel like I’m not handling any of this well.

I can’t win.

And I think that’s the point.

I’m starting to see how much worth I put into what I do and the image I create for other people to see. I can’t quite put what I am learning into words yet, but this summer is teaching me how to truly rely on Christ because everything else that I relied on is deteriorating.

I don’t think I can or will get it right this summer. I just have to learn why God’s grace says that’s ok.

“Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” — Psalm 119:37

Oh, that we would have the eyes to see what is worthless. Those things that hold our gaze so steadily. That we would receive life in the ways of Christ.

You May Also Like…


Newsletter Signup

If you want to learn more about faith, following Jesus, and how to live free right now, sign up for my weekly newsletter! I'll send encouragement, Bible study resources, and articles to help you on your journey.

Share This